The End of the Beginning

The end of a four-year relationship and how it shaped the woman I am two years later.

Originally published on fromrywithlove.substack.com on May 4, 2023.

When I awoke, he was sleeping peacefully next to me; his hair a mess across the pillows, his head hung back, his mouth open, and his arms reaching for me. After soldering my guilt and mustering up the strength to leave the bed, I felt angry. Watching him sleep like nothing was wrong, his arms reaching for me — it made me angry. He made me angry.

Over the last few months, I have felt a range of emotions all too difficult to explain. If I were to attempt it, I might call it guilt. We held up steadfast against a fire that destroyed our home, putting a pet to sleep, and having our world turned upside down and inside out over and over again. I felt guilty for not loving the person who had allowed me to cry on his shoulder and completely fall apart in front of him. And I was so angry at myself, him, and us for prolonging this.

During a session back in February, I told my therapist that I was thinking of ending things with him. After assuring me that she was on my side and only wanted what would be best for me, she asked me if there was anything we could do to make it work. I told her that I wanted to think about it and that…